Probably due to grief and the upheaval of normal family life around Christmas and early January, Sarah has been having difficulty getting through a school week without a handful of behaviors that usually result in a call home and early pick-up. When this started becoming daily rather than weekly, all of us who support her were feeling a bit desperate about how to help Sarah more effectively. Her teachers were being as kind and accommodating as they could be, knowing she was processing grief, but at every turn it seemed that some new tiny trigger could result in a meltdown of various degrees. The behaviors were not ones that happened at home so that was even more puzzling. As I drove Sarah home Monday morning, I realized that she seemed fine once she was in the car. That reminded me of my early years when I would often feel sick at school but would immediately feel better as my mom drove me home early. My mom would then usually give me a mental health day the next day. I would stay home with her and she would take me to get lunch at the French Bakery, and we would have a mom-daughter day. That was always what I needed.
Thinking about Sarah and her experience, I remembered when she struggled at her first over-night summer camp. The solution in that case was for me to drive her up each day and sit in the parking lot so she knew she could go home as soon as she wanted. With that support and control over her situation, she stayed longer each day. I decided to put my Parking Lot Parenting into operation once more. This past Tuesday through Friday I let Sarah ride to school with her bus driver, and then I drove to her school and sat in the parking lot or at a coffee shop five minutes away. She and her teachers knew that if she wanted to leave at any point, all they had to do was call and I would be there in five minutes or less. Having that support and control over her own situation meant she made it through four full good days of school and got to ride home with her bus driver each day! This feels huge, especially because before this worked we had been wondering if we needed to put Sarah on some new medication or enroll her in new therapy or both. I’m thrilled that this worked! And because it worked and was seemingly so easy, I also keep second-guessing myself and thinking it was just a fluke of timing and she would have switched to having good days even if I didn’t do anything. Why, when things are hard, do I take on guilt and responsibility that I maybe don’t even deserve, but when things go surprisingly well then I hesitate to give myself credit? Despite my trouble taking credit, I am going to continue, but from home. Sarah and her teachers know that all she has to do is ask to go home, and I will be there in twenty minutes. If this isn’t enough support, and I truly need to be in the parking lot, I will shift back to the parking lot.
Yesterday we had a relaxed time at Phipps conservatory looking at pretty flowers, poison-dart frogs, a chipmunk, and getting rained on in the rainforest for a Higgy Friends meet-up. Apparently Amy’s wingspan is similar to an osprey or harpy eagle. When we walked under the kumquats, Amy looked at me because she knew I was bursting to say, “You’re standing in my kumquats!” Ever since seeing The Fantasticks! I have always needed to say that line whenever the subject of kumquats comes up. I said the line and sent a picture of them to my mom, who shares my compulsion. Then I felt bereft because I couldn’t send the photo or the quotation to my dad, who also shared my kumquat impulse. There are so many moments like that when I think of him and want to share something and realize I can’t. Or I can with my thoughts, but I can’t hear his response except in my imagination. It’s like having a power outage and still reaching for the light switch repeatedly.
In other news, if you happen to be in Doylestown, PA on March 28th, I will talking and signing books at the at the Barnes and Noble from 1-4pm for Autism Awareness Day. If you need an audiobook to listen to as you drive, my reading of Watching Sarah Rise is a finalist in the Wishing Shelf Book Awards! It’s available wherever you like to get your audiobooks.
Lastly, if you have a moment, please imagine Amy’s orthopedic doctor telling her she can be done bracing this Thursday afternoon when she has her appointment! She has been diligently bracing for two and a half years, and it would be the most wonderful thing to be done. You can picture us celebrating and partying and hopefully that is what we will be doing Thursday evening.
Wishing you the mental and emotional ease of having support in your personal parking lot at all times.
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