Overall, the week felt stressful. I second-guessed myself and judged myself, replaying some interactions with people and wishing I had handled my part of things differently. The days felt extra full, because most of them were. That’t not necessarily bad, but it gave me less time to pause and regroup.
We always go swimming on Mondays, but Monday when we arrived at the pool, there was a sign on the door announcing that the pool was closed for the day. Argh!! Why that information couldn’t have been conveyed earlier in the day via an email is unknown. Maybe it was a problem that arose just before we arrived. Amy and I were disappointed. Sarah was disappointed and then some, screaming for many minutes. As we drove home Sarah asked to call Mom-Mom to tell her. Mom-Mom sympathized with our woes and remembered a time when she had been all ready to go swimming and her pool was closed. This news helped Sarah shift out of her misery. She does after all delight in things going wrong, just mainly when it is for other people or in books.
The week also had more things for parents to attend or take kids to at schools. Amy and I went to an event showcasing possible after school activities. When I had asked her a week ago if she wanted to attend she said yes, but when we walked in she instantly deflated. She found nothing of interest on the paper listing the various options, none of her friends were there, and we left after ten minutes. Friday afternoon was a nearly identical experience at Sarah’s school. I met her at the end of the day so we could attend a meeting about the spring musical. As soon as she saw me she started complaining that she was tired and wanted to go home. I was disappointed because if I had known that was how it would go, I would have let her come home on the bus. As we walked to the car she changed her mind and agreed to go meet the director, even if we didn’t stay for the meeting. I’m glad we did that tiny thing because now the director knows who she is. If she wants to do the musical she can be in the ensemble without needing to audition. At Sarah’s old school her support teacher attended all rehearsals with her, but at her new school that level of support is not provided. Understandably because it is going above and beyond to stay after school so often. So if Sarah decides to do the musical then I will attend rehearsals as her support person, although part of me thinks I’m the worst option for that role because she will voice all her discontent with me in a way she might not with someone else.
Wednesday night Carl went to an event at Sarah’s school that was just for parents. He met her teachers and saw her various classrooms. While we can laugh that this kid – who didn’t start talking till she was four and a half – now talks perhaps too much… it is actually a bit of a problem to solve. At home we may find it annoying when she interrupts conversations or talks while we watch movies, but we have become so accustomed to it that it’s just part of life. We now realize that we need to help Sarah develop the skill of being quiet and talking when it is her turn but not talking on top of whatever else is going on. When I’m in my bubble at home then it’s easier to just focus on being delighted with Sarah’s Sarahness. When I am reminded of just how different she is from her age peers and when I feel like I need to change things to help her navigate the rest of the world more successfully, that can feel weighty and overwhelming. I can feel sad and as if something is wrong. It’s an interesting line to walk to believe there is nothing wrong and to work towards change. I know that was our whole Sarah-Rise premise, but it is an attitude that needs frequent refreshing.
In other news, my office continues to be freezing and while I’ve been told someone will look at it, nothing has changed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being overly sensitive about this thermostat issue, but I think I’m right that it has never been this bad in my whole time renting this office space. On Friday my client, who has never in 14 years asked for a blanket, asked for a blanket!!
While I have been grumpy and stressed for much of the week, I can also see that perhaps it’s not the fault of the various appointments, closures, screams, or things to do. It is actually how I’m thinking about them or what I’m believing they mean about me. I haven’t shifted much of my internal landscape with this realization (or remembering it for the umpeenth time), but it does help to remember I have some freedom and agency. Although then I am also highly skilled at judging myself for not being happy already! So, I’m focusing on breathing and being present.
Some small delightful things from the week. . .
Sarah has been enjoying remembering Sandra Boyton’s Moo, Baa, Lalala. As with so many books that she remembers from her younger years and wants to read, we gave that one away. She found a YouTube video of someone reading it so that has been almost as good as owning it. She loves the page about dogs going “bow wow wow” and has called herself “Baby Bow-Wow.” With her phenomenal memory for details and books, she somehow remembered that in a Clifford book there is a page with a large print, “BOW-WOW!” She found the book and the page and has been enjoying it all week. She has also spent time in her room reading Blue Hat, Green Hat, and with each page she explains how each animal is dressed properly except the turkey. I love hearing, “the elephant is dressed properly, the moose is dressed properly, the bear is dressed properly… the turkey is not dressed properly!”
Amy didn’t have school on Friday so she didn’t have to miss school for the appointment with the orthotist to add padding to her scoliosis brace. The padding isn’t to make it more comfortable. It is to put more pressure in certain areas. After the appointment we went to the Square Cafe for lunch, delighting in a return to a past tradition of going out to eat when she has a day off or a half-day.
Love and hugs to all of you.
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