On Monday morning I was soooooooo nervous as I prepared for a very short tv interview on Good Day PA, a show filmed in Harrisburg, PA. Knowing the whole thing was live and would only be three or four minutes felt like way more pressure than if it was half an hour or an hour. I was told to arrive at 9:15, so of course I was parked by 9. At 9:10 I went in, expecting some sort of vetting or prepping. They didn’t actually need me until 10:30. I didn’t think to bring a book and didn’t want to go back to my car to get one, so I spent half of my time looking at the questions they might ask me and half of my time doing my best Alexander Technique thinking. I spent the whole time being varying degrees of nervous. I kept telling myself that if Amy could do her CAPA audition despite being terrified, then I could do the interview. I had been told to focus only on the person interviewing me, who happened to be named Amy, rather than looking at the camera. Thank goodness that was my directive because it did help immensely. Before I knew it, the whole thing was done and I was on my way home. I think it went really well despite my nerves.
On my drive, Sarah’s teacher called to tell me that Sarah wasn’t feeling the best. It is sometimes hard to know if Sarah’s reports of malady are illness or temporary physical sensations linked to big feelings. It was clear when Sarah got home that she wasn’t a hundred percent so I cancelled her piano lesson at the last minute, and Sarah promptly took a nap. On Tuesday she stayed home and took a four hour nap. She masked for the rest of her school days and was in sparkly good spirits despite having a bit of a cold.
Unfortunately, Carl also got a cold. But this allowed me to demonstrate the depth of my love in an unexpected way. Because he didn’t want me to get sick, Carl slept in the basement where we have a guest room. That seemed like a great idea until one morning our cat started meowing weirdly at 1am. I woke and thought, “Oh no!” Sure enough, she had a mouse. I heard it squeak before I saw it. Normally when there is a mouse situation I get the cat away and Carl deals with the mouse. I didn’t want to wake him so I dealt with the whole thing by myself, despite my whole body being filled with adrenaline. That is love. I ran downstairs and grabbed a disposable Tupperware, which normally I would reuse many times, but now has seen its last moment of utility. I also grabbed cat treats. Somehow I got the cat to drop the mouse and got the container over the mouse, but then our cat didn’t want to leave it alone. Luckily, we were near Amy’s room and her door was ajar. I threw the cat in her room and shut the door. Then I got the lid under the inverted container and snapped it into place so I could transport the mouse outside to freedom. Amy’s door opened and at first I thought the cat had been determined enough to work the knob, but then realized Amy had helped. She said she had woken to my sounds of distress and had wondered if if was something to do with Sarah. I took the mouse outside and thought I could just open the upside down container a tiny bit so the mouse could run out – but I had accidentally shut the tail in between the base and the lid! Ack!! Dancing around between attempts to open it further and wondering how I was in this tiny nightmare of a moment, I did manage to free the mouse fully. It took over an hour to fall asleep again.
With Sarah turning 18, that has meant we had a little bit of a paperwork scramble. I was instantly booted from being her medical proxy, but the paperwork to regain access as a proxy of an adult couldn’t be filed until she was 18. Those forms have been submitted, and I’m at least cleared for half of what I need to be able to access and manage. The other thing we needed to do was meet with our lawyer so Sarah could sign forms designating Carl and me to have power of attorney for healthcare and finances should the need arise. Thursday morning we went to meet the lawyer, and Sarah began carefully writing her full name and the date on the forms. Half way through, she suddenly had had enough. She got very upset and said she didn’t want to do it anymore and was leaving. She ran out of the building. Carl quickly followed but gave her space. After getting some feelings out, she returned but was still crying and upset. She said she hated it and that the lawyer sucked. Luckily he just chuckled upon hearing that accusation. We used Granddad’s picture to help Sarah get through the rest of it. Carl held my phone with a picture of Granddad so it seemed like he was watching Sarah sign. When Carl and I reflected later about why Sarah got so upset, we realized that maybe it was an accumulation of tiny little corrections to what she was doing. We prompted her about where to write and to write small and to listen to the lawyer as he explained things. That seemed like nothing in the moment, but probably built up inside her as pressure to do things right or that she wasn’t doing things right. We now wonder if all of the times she has had a big upset at school, seemingly out of nowhere, if it might have been the same accumulation of tiny things that seemed like nothing but built to a big thing.
Thursday night I went to a concert featuring Take Me With You, Elizabeth Fein’s band. Elizabeth and I began our friendship in college, and there was something about this particular concert experience that felt like being back in college. Maybe it was the small venue or the drinks in plastic cups. Maybe it was hanging out with friends from different parts of my life. I don’t know. What I do know is that it felt rejuvenating in a way I hadn’t expected.
Similarly, yesterday I went to pick a CD to play at our mountain house, as that is the only place where we have a CD player, Looking at all of the options felt overwhelming but only because I wanted to play almost every CD. I opted for an album by the Hooters, and again felt as if I was summoning my younger self and hydrating some soul cells that hadn’t had attention in a while. It feels like remembering some part of who I am that I had forgotten. In theory I could find most of the same music on Spotify, but without the physical CD cases to remind me, I just don’t think of most of the groups or singers I used to enjoy. We had a great time listening to the Hooters, playing skeeball, and hanging out in the basement. Carl played pool against himself and won, but it was a close game! He and Sarah also hung out at the bar enjoying water in fancy tumblers.
On Friday Amy had a half day so we went to a bakery when she got home and got some treats. Then we watched an episode of the Great British Baking Show. We may need to rewatch part of it because we both kept nodding off! But it was the absolute best to have a snuggle nap with Amy, who normally feels that napping is against her religion unless she is in a moving vehicle. Carl, Amy, and I also stayed up too late Friday night watching Argylle. Then last night we watched Legally Blonde. It is really great to watch movies with Amy after Sarah goes to bed. It would be lovely if Sarah wanted to watch movies too, but lately she hasn’t wanted to even start a movie while having dinner. She always wants to watch an episode of Frog and Toad. Luckily, those are good enough that we all love watching them multiple times.
Lots of love to all of you. May your water be fancy and your anxiety short-lived.
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